wuv

box 5

i think this month is trying to kill me. at least it's an interesting ride. the first of the month was the cobra skulls show. it was a possibility that one of the bands needed a place to crash and as i live close to the beat kitchen, sure. turns out they didn't but as i was one of the last few people at the bar waiting for them, neil hennessey was around too. i've never talked to the guy so i figured why not? it was nice. nothing flirtatious about it. i was sober at that point. talked about some historical chicago stuff. when that bar closed we went over to blue light, which is open until 5 on sat. good god. i can never remember which one gets really clubby after two, underbar or blue light. err, it's blue light. it was practically impossible to have a conversation. we were at the bar, he had a stool and i didn't and as more people packed in i got elbowed to standing inbetween his knees, blushing and fumbling for words. he's obviously a fucking babe but i didn't want him to think i was just trying for a hook up. it's surprising to meet someone so normal, not pretentious at all. god knows i'd been here 2 months without a friend and enjoyed the chatting.

there comes a point when you've been hanging out and drinking and laughing and get the long smile and pause...and the next few hours could go one way or another. after jogging in the rain towards my house i panicked, commented that he lived the other way, and we split.

in a perfect world, ahh.

well, a few days after that i heard about this free JBTV show and i'd never heard dead to me so i figured why not? afterwards chicken chased me down the block asking for a light and why i was "leaving so soon". as the show was over what else would i be doing? we didn't hang out that night but he was texting me like crazy and i just ate it up. i like agressive dudes. the texts slowed down after a week or so but i was pretty sure there'd be an interesting encounter at the sub. dude seemed so into me before, so briefly.

so, i was totally wrong. not only did we not hang out but he seemed replused by me. he said hi once but then ran away, then if i saw him in the club he looked right through me. so obviously i didn't approach him again. and man, that's one of the worst feelings. that hot feeling on the back of your neck, embarrassed and stupid. i don't know what happened but he changed his mind about me fast, and that's ok...i just wish i knew before the show so i didn't feel so stupid and ashamed during. the sets were great but my night was totally ruined. afterwards i went down to the bar just in case, so i would know for sure. i also felt like fighting. just ended up getting hit on by a bouncer. then while i was biking home some drunk dude outside a bar started yelling how he hated bikers and throwing shit at me. i just cried the whole ride home.

i know dudes in bands can be flakey but this put me over the edge. too bad they're not all hennessey. that's all i have to say about that.

i got a job this month, have been hanging out with people, things are going ok. i guess you could say the long-distance relationship i was in hanging by it's last thread just snapped. right before i moved to chicago i started something up with a friend of mine. we never settled anything, just talked on the phone every night, knowing it would dissapate soon enough. and it did. aside from that relationship i hardly remember what i was like in boston. things done changed.

i'm just an angry person now. i know that. boston was so pretty and there were hippies and things in jp had a flow. here it's all litter and people are cruel. things are ugly. this is the right place for me right now, making me tough.