angry

there's no denying it. i'm a dirt-worshipping tree-hugger. i've seen the video of crazy hippies crying and praying in the forest to logged trees and it did make me chuckle. there's a kind of extremely lame and obnoxious hippie out there that everyone has probably come in contact with. i don't really fit in there.

my job is making me vegetarian again, slowly. i've never seen so much dead meat in my life. sometimes in the walk-in cooler there's giant ribs stacked to the ceiling. when you work in a pretty well-known rib place there's gonna be meat everywhere. i don't know the quality of life of the animals before they come to us. the boss buys pretty quality/expensive stuff but i'm not sure if that means anything. i've enjoyed eating meat for most of my life. i don't hate people who do. right now, for me, i can't do it without being disgusted. last month i had food poisoning, which probably has part to do with it. my stomach is still sensitive and most food turns me off. i get hungry but every little thing turns me off. ehhhh.

my sister is having a baby. my cousin is getting married. my other cousin is having another baby. i don't quite feel like a mutant, accepting that i'm in no place to be married or have a kid right now, but it does widen the gap of me vs. family. or, people i'm related to. i have trouble using the word family. there's no bad feelings, i just cannot get close to people. sometimes i feel a hum when i'm with my parents or sister, knowing we have the same blood. i just cannot get close to people. most people. even those i date. sometimes i end up looking at them like i don't even know who they are. but that's a story for another day.
tomorrow is my 27th birthday. so i've been alive for 27 years, entering my twenty eighth year of livin'. i get strange and down during this time of the summer, trying to ignore that as in this fairly new relationship.
he asks me what i want for my birthday.
i don't want a computer, camera, clothes, stuff. there was a point, even like four years ago, where i'd like something brand spanking new. a new tech thing. something to make me feel cool and more in tune with city-living. i watched mtv religiously as a teenager and felt totally inadequate all the time. it's taken a while but i just. don't. care. anymore.
if a guy would surprise me with a shopping spree i'd probably dump his ass pretty fast.
not trying to "hate" on people, women, people who care about cute shoes or whatever new apple product there is. but if they're drowning in shallow treats to ignore the deeper, more natural ache they feel, trying to fill a void with stuff...i can't be down with that. and i don't know how to fill that void. i have a huge hole blasted through the middle of myself. but clothes, expensive haircuts, and cameras only remind me of the natural resources abused to get them. labor, oil, dyes, chemicals. it makes me feel dirty. i'm trying to get by in the city knowing that everything i touch and use daily, someone/thing else has suffered as a result of.

i don't really want anything for my birthday, but i love the dude for wanting to please me. i wonder if he's been on edge since the coke fiasco. fiasco meaning i left a party when there was a chance it was around and when he came home hours later admitting he'd done it, sweating and slurring and breathing too shallow/fast, i snapped.
make no joke about it, i hate coke with a passion. i can't explain why. i think it's dirty, gross, and people who do it are lame hipsters or bloated scumbags. i've also had friends/dated people who do it. while it makes me uncomfortable, everyone is their own person. gotta just let them live. i take prescriptions to keep from having a nervous breakdown and blowing my head off and some people might think that makes me weak. some people hate prescription meds because of how they're tossed around like candy and can just make people worse. but i won't date someone who does coke all the time. nuh uh. on a rare occasion i get wasted, want to party and go balls-out. but doing that often, even every weekend just screams "i have issues". i can't respect people who do that. i'm not in a place right now where i get drunk many times a week. maybe the time will come again. but right now i just can't handle that kind of destruction, or in someone i date.
so the coke thing only happened once.

right now just trying to figure shit out. i'm 27, unskilled and morose. i like teeth. i'd go to dental school. i also have a need to help right now. i'd like to take this fall and go down to the gulf and help, doing whatever. i'm also interested in WOOFING.
though that doesn't pay...and i'm not sure it should.

ah, i feel better from just writing things down. thanks, blog.