infinite

magritte

i feel nothing today. thought i had the blues first, but has changed into total blankness. this whole week has been a shit show.
last weekend i slapped a guy in the face because i was so tired of the way men act...even if they are trying to be gentlemen and you can see through the sheer shade of it. i conveyed to this fellow that i thought his cousin was a typical man thinking only with his goodie bag and since he is a punker he thinks he can do whatever he wants to women without consequence. or something like that. i was pretty sauced, but everyone else was too- so hopefully it didn't sound like total garbage. now everyone knows there's nothing a dude loves more than some broad telling the entire male population off through him like he's the messenger. his comeback was to just throw compliments on me and try to get in my shit, even suggesting that we hook up to remedy the situation. i was beyond put off and later interrupted him making out with some idiot to give him the palm of my hand to the face. it felt incredibly good because i get very passionate and sometimes violent when i drink. there's so much sexual frustration and shit beneath the surface that i have to vent somehow. fighting, fucking, breaking shit. all the same.
other than that the house party was lame but i was just willing to follow the posse to whatever adventure the night brought on.
sunday was a day of fasting which is always terrible. monday was hospital stuff with no conclusion. wednesday i went back to work and had a terrible anxiety attack, had to leave work and had vertigo. joe was t-boned by a car as he was biking to get my prescription. thursday we fought.

last night i talked to chicken, he approached me in a doorway in a friendly matter. we chatted and hugged it out. peace. toby thought i would try to fight him given my recent attitude and the fact that i HOLD GRUDGES FOREVER, but not to worry. i wasn't going to fight a soul. i felt oddly sad all night. talking to marti made me super sad, like running and jumping to catch a balloon that is floating higher and further away. that's all i could think of. sad at a punk show with familiar faces? sad bar-hopping and making peace with people? maybe not even sad. i don't know. i feel nothing.
i don't have the energy to draw or paint or sew, nor the attention span to watch a movie, nor the energy to bike. it's so beautiful outside.
joe is working all the time. i'm afraid we're living like brother and sister now and it can only end badly.

last night neil hennessey was at the show. i'm fascinated by this person. i can't figure him out. i can't crack this nut. he pretty much stood alone all night, just drinking a beer. he'll talk to people but when there's nothing to say he just stands alone. he doesn't need the comfort of a group at a show, to be standing in a posse for support. the few conversations we've had, or, probably the only extended one totally threw me for a loop. i dunno. i like to know what people are about.

now i've gotten too sleepy to type