stomach burrrrnnn

uhh what's new. a "friend" of mine has a layover at midway wednesday. yesterday i went there to know how long it would take, etc. to avoid the subway i took the 49 all the way down western. all the way. i was on that bus for an hour and it wasn't even rush hour. it was kind of awesome. saw a lot of areas i hadn't seen before. saw some real squalor. took the scenic route. sat with some of those god-praisin' baptist round black women. one thing about me is that i'm
terrified of airplanes
never been on one, never even been close, never considered it. seeing one lower in the sky than normal makes my stomach burn. at my old house the sound of airplanes was so loud and constant that it'd often wake me up in a start. western hits the orange line which goes to midway. wednesday morning i'll go back to see my friend, laugh and scream and make out with him, be those annoying/cute people at the airport.

saturday taking part in a video shoot. i couldn't really tell you what it is, arty but not porn. it'll be shown at the art museum (which one, i'm not sure) and i might get to wear a costume. really i'm going on little information and that's fine. i need some stimulation in my life.
last week some high school kids interviewed me talking (me make talk good) about tattoos for their after-school film thing. that was kind of fun.
twice last week i took the bus down irving park out to the suburbs...or what felt like it. why not?
i need some rolling papers.
cleaning in my apartment is surprising and revolting all at once. past tenants included junkies and crackheads and, well, they're just forgetful. some of the condiments in the fridge expired up to ten years ago. the pantry has/had a layer of dead bugs and larve shells that i've never imagined. the front windows had a layer of dirt and grime so thick you couldn't see outside, just blur. good heavens. good thing i like cleaning. and i don't have allergies, which is a plus.

today i got nothin. drawing for a show, watching hamlet and drinking coffee sounds good. i like theatre and mozart and rococo style, but i also like porkin' on a dirty mattress to dead kennedys. not a snooty classy dame.

test

bastards of young

tomorrow i'm volunteering walking dogs at http://www.chicagocaninerescue.org/. you can do 1/2 hr time slots all day, which works for people who have jobs and have some spare time in the morning or late afternoon. or, if you're like me and have spare time between eating tv dinners and doodling. all the spare time in the world ahhhaaaaaahhaaa!!
yesterday i picked up a canvas to use for this future show
i loved the location. backside industrial buildings shitty sidewalks broken glass. also, i may be "featured" as an "artist" on an "indie" website/magazine. quotations. i use these terms half sarcastically/loosely. soon as the questions start i go blank. what/when/why do you draw? i dunno. what are your messages/goals? pardon? what do you wanna do with your life? nothin'.
i wanna be an apathetic loser slipping by for the rest of my days without doing anything to better the world or leave a legacy. that's not totally true. not sure what defines a loser but i sure as shit won't change the world if i tried. and leaving a legacy involves being incredibly powerful/radical/rich/different, of which none of these i currently am. or ever will be.

future volunteering i'll be doing or want to do includes pet-related, prison book or letter-related, children's hospital or nursing home-related.
future hobbies i'd like to pursue include boxing, fencing, religious studies, upping my spanish, watching every movie version of hamlet ever made, submerge myself waist-deep in mozart, learning to shoot a gun, fix a flat on my bike, how car engines work, administer cpr-
it goes on and on.
however, i do need to get a job, even a shitty part-time job making pizzas or something. it'll happen, just not today.

what have i been doing?

not much. sleeping and smoking a lot. drinking a lot as well. what else is new? today i'm up before noon and since it's sunny out have decided to venture downtown. packing along the sedatives in case i have a panic attack. it won't make me sleepy, just function on a normal level i suppose. usually i'm wound up so tense if someone drops a pen near me i jump out of my chair. umm bike riding. spent three hours the other night cleaning my bike...in a brooks brothers cashmere sweater. why not? saw bag pipers saturday night. had a quesadilla at northside friday. went to the grocery store at one am and shoplifted.
there's an intl museum of "surgical science". count me in.

good god

hey, this woman kind of looks like me. i have flaming red hair and a lot of eye liner. and, of course the caption is true.
let's see, let's move backwards. last night i left a beer at the hungry brain half full as i was at the point of drunkenness and any more would have put me over the edge. there were a handful of people there and some jazz, i think, was about to start but i had to make an exit as i think i was starting to sway. this place is small, weird, a block away from me and easy to miss. just about perfect.
before biking there i'd been up the street at beat kitchen-empty on a sunday night when there's no show. that friendly woman patti was working and the oscars were on. she seemed optimistic about me coming back tonight to try and talk my way into a job. the kitchen was closed which was probably why i got drunk so fast. empty stomach.
i'd biked there from the vic, further down at belmont and sheffield? the block before belmont and clark. a venue that reminded me of lupos in providence. looked like a shitty old music hall. paid five bucks to see a movie where i was the only person there. sitting on a bench in an empty old music hall with a movie screen pulled down on the stage felt pretty surreal. for a second i wasn't sure if i was actually awake. the women's room was down a mysterious staircase, odd lights and many corners. i was totally prepared to get lost but that was just an over-active imagination. so yeah. the vic, shitty old music hall that shows cheap movies with uncomfortable seats since it's, err, standing room only. magical. will be going there a lot.

saturday night i went on a bar crawl with my housemate brian. i'd say he's got a good five to ten years on me but doesn't give me the creeps and that's pretty important. first we went down lincoln to this place called delilahs which had sexy (tattooed) bartenders but was full of like post-college yuppies? i don't know. talking was impossible.
walking back up towards belmont we passed a number of bars that were too yuppie or too gay (take that how you will). we ducked into a tiny nameless door under an Old Style sign and walked into a small old-midwest type bar where there's a half-dead dog sleeping in the corner, toothless old folks hanging out and popping open beers, wood paneling and no music playing. probably has looked the same for decades. that kind of shit.
after that we tried the beat kitchen but it was too packed, yelled across the street at dudes outside hungry brain asking what the hell it was, went in and met some nice bartenders. i liked this immediately, even if there were some aging hipsters. not hipster in a rides-a-fixed bike-american-apparel way...but an okay way.
went to underbar and met guy from boston that three other bartenders had talked about. "heart of gold" and "that accent" and that shit. think i was being drunk and creepy. after that we walked to the grocery store to get drunk munchies. it was after one am but these people were walking in with their toddlers. thought that was kind of weird.

friday i biked up to this giant cemetery off ravenswood and saw a pretty cool monument but i was too late in the day and they were locking it up soon. went to a little place across the street called fireside and had a burger and a red stripe. a lot of overweight people sitting around tables having margaritas and buffalo wings. very attractive black server dude with goatee was friendly. haggard blue-collar dude next to me was friendly. i just read the onion. friday night i went over to blue light for a beer. it wasn't spectacular but that was to be expected.

tonight hopefully i can schmooze my way into a serving job at beat kitchen. be friendly but not fake, funny but not stupid, flexible not desperate.

bah-hoppin

last night i already fucked up my different-bar-each-night plan by getting popeyes (which was not great) and falling asleep on the couch/bed by 9pm. thinking i was taking a disco nap and then waking up to try blue light bar next door, i woke up at five am with my contacts crusted to my eyeballs and a bad taste in my mouth. blue light is open until four am so i just missed it. and apparently bars are open an hour later saturday nights, so i live next to two that are open until five. the night before last i went to beat kitchen and sat for a few minutes before being talked to. a single woman at the bar won't be solitary for long, apparently. i met a very nice female bartender there who informed me of a possible job opening.

jackpot.

i'm not a very lucky woman so not getting my hopes up or anything but that would be great. and i'm sure if i start wearing push-up bras that would get me more tips. it's science. had two whatchamacallit beers, two brothers scottish three brothers something. probably should keep better track of that. met two fellows in a band, weren't creepy. then met a vet who'd been injured in the war and was there to see whatever show was there that night. it's still weird to think that someone younger than me can already be a vet. this fellow was trying to pick me up, however, so i left after finding out he didn't want to talk about war. and i wasn't interested in hooking up. just talking. i liked beat kitchen very much and will probably go there multiple times a week as it's so close and i wants a job.
yesterday i went to a really depressing grocery store, then did some cleaning in my apt, smoked a lot, took a cold shower and generally did nothing all day.

today i've a plan. roscoe bike shop-done. bank-done. verizon-done(we will soon be enemies). food(wishbone-too many kids)-done. library visit and then looking for decent cemetaries to take pictures. i know, it's so typical. emo. art school. stupid. i doubt there is anything here to compare with boston cemetaries but it's worth a shot. graceland is closest and there's a huge one north a ways from here, straight up ravenswood (i think that's the name). bohemian one is near my sister's old college. a sunny day is much better for b&w pictures. i'd better just go.

tonight i dunno what's what. blue light or that giant place called schubbs? shubs? schnubs? whatever. i'm so horny.

bitch tits

alright. day one. i haven't a thing to do. i'm at the library. libraries are cool. they're quiet, they have books. they have toilet seats with urine on. they have computers. i do not have a computer. the internet on my phone is so-so.

last night i sleep-walked down belmont to potbelly which was extremely satisfying. haven't had it for a year. they played m jackson songs. then went to the bar for what turned out to be a single beer as i was dozing. faux pas guy was too excited to be at the l and l. a smoking popes tshirt, an alkaline trio hoodie and playing lawrence arms albums on the jukebox. come on dude. after he left the two female bartenders groaned. we get it, dude. it's like wrangling up all the members of your favorite band for photos after the show with forced smiles. dude, cool it. we get it. i get it, believe me. i like all those bands and have done my research too. don't be such a fucking nerd.

i live at western and belmont. my big (for me) bedroom is nice and empty with a lovely view of a brick wall and someone else's window. hopefully they like half-naked chicks doing shitty yoga and painting dead babies. i don't have a curtain. i don't even have a bed. i brought a giant nug in a pill bottle and two bottles of stella, but no bed. and toilet paper stolen from rest stops on 90.

i should find a job. this won't be easy.

baaahh

chicago, bitches. consider me moved in. muah.