wuv

box 5

i think this month is trying to kill me. at least it's an interesting ride. the first of the month was the cobra skulls show. it was a possibility that one of the bands needed a place to crash and as i live close to the beat kitchen, sure. turns out they didn't but as i was one of the last few people at the bar waiting for them, neil hennessey was around too. i've never talked to the guy so i figured why not? it was nice. nothing flirtatious about it. i was sober at that point. talked about some historical chicago stuff. when that bar closed we went over to blue light, which is open until 5 on sat. good god. i can never remember which one gets really clubby after two, underbar or blue light. err, it's blue light. it was practically impossible to have a conversation. we were at the bar, he had a stool and i didn't and as more people packed in i got elbowed to standing inbetween his knees, blushing and fumbling for words. he's obviously a fucking babe but i didn't want him to think i was just trying for a hook up. it's surprising to meet someone so normal, not pretentious at all. god knows i'd been here 2 months without a friend and enjoyed the chatting.

there comes a point when you've been hanging out and drinking and laughing and get the long smile and pause...and the next few hours could go one way or another. after jogging in the rain towards my house i panicked, commented that he lived the other way, and we split.

in a perfect world, ahh.

well, a few days after that i heard about this free JBTV show and i'd never heard dead to me so i figured why not? afterwards chicken chased me down the block asking for a light and why i was "leaving so soon". as the show was over what else would i be doing? we didn't hang out that night but he was texting me like crazy and i just ate it up. i like agressive dudes. the texts slowed down after a week or so but i was pretty sure there'd be an interesting encounter at the sub. dude seemed so into me before, so briefly.

so, i was totally wrong. not only did we not hang out but he seemed replused by me. he said hi once but then ran away, then if i saw him in the club he looked right through me. so obviously i didn't approach him again. and man, that's one of the worst feelings. that hot feeling on the back of your neck, embarrassed and stupid. i don't know what happened but he changed his mind about me fast, and that's ok...i just wish i knew before the show so i didn't feel so stupid and ashamed during. the sets were great but my night was totally ruined. afterwards i went down to the bar just in case, so i would know for sure. i also felt like fighting. just ended up getting hit on by a bouncer. then while i was biking home some drunk dude outside a bar started yelling how he hated bikers and throwing shit at me. i just cried the whole ride home.

i know dudes in bands can be flakey but this put me over the edge. too bad they're not all hennessey. that's all i have to say about that.

i got a job this month, have been hanging out with people, things are going ok. i guess you could say the long-distance relationship i was in hanging by it's last thread just snapped. right before i moved to chicago i started something up with a friend of mine. we never settled anything, just talked on the phone every night, knowing it would dissapate soon enough. and it did. aside from that relationship i hardly remember what i was like in boston. things done changed.

i'm just an angry person now. i know that. boston was so pretty and there were hippies and things in jp had a flow. here it's all litter and people are cruel. things are ugly. this is the right place for me right now, making me tough.

gustave

this is how my cat sleeps. flat on his back with a smile on his face sometimes, leg twitching. he has half a tail, four fingers of a stub that wags like a dog. at a certain time of the night he gets his "friskies" where he runs up and down the hallway attacking anything that moves, like my leg.
i still don't have a job and only slightly worried about it. been drinking stale beer in the middle of the day, not showering and eating a lot of corn dogs. i don't think brendan kelly eats corn dogs (often) but other than that he's probably doing the same things. wah wahhh. no, seriously, that guy is married with two dogs and two kids. i only have to support my hand-rolling american spirit smoke habit. i'm most likely going to end up working for a strip club, not as a dancer, entertainer or even a topless waitress. no, really, i tried out for this job. promoting the club. and maybe waitressing. that means i get to wear a lot of make-up, should start wearing a bra (nooo!), and deal with the horny underbelly of the city. uhm, yes? i cannot work in a cubicle. yes, i want to go to dental school eventually but somehow that feels different. will find out this week. should be interesting.
gotta get some fucking food.

today's a day where i get to run around town doing pointless things and just end up spending money on food and transportation, probably. time to go.

phone

not my legs

but if i didn't shave for two months, boy howdy.

the sun is back out. it even tried to snow a few days ago. wtfff. back up to 70 now. you know what that means. beach. my sunburn finally stopped itching from last time. back in the game.

someone i didn't know but biking in an area of boston i hate was killed this week. huntington ave is pretty bad; trolleys, cars, buses, it's the hospital area so lots of ambulences (sp?). it's awful. your tires get stuck in the tracks if you hit them right on and you are launched off your bike. it's happened to me. apparently this fellow was trying to pass a bus on the left and he fell off his bike (most likely from running in the train track) and then was run over by the bus as it was swerving back into traffic. in this case it doesn't even matter if he was wearing his helmet or not. if a bus runs over your abdomen, chest, head that's it. what a horrible way to die. there are so many stupid assholes biking in boston without their hands with their headphones on, cruising between cars half-naked, it's no surprise when someone wipes out. it's still sad when they are killed. but this person wasn't doing that. awful. i wouldn't want to see that happen.

i'm also really disturbed after reading about that girl from hadley who killed herself. i've lived near that area briefly. weird. i've also been traumatized in high school and know how bad it can get. like being spit on and attacked. i never wanted to kill myself because of that but god knows i can sympathize with people who go shooting in their schools. it opens this pretty ugly side of yourself. i wonder if the girl's parents were catholic. i wonder if she didn't get a "proper" burial because of that. i wonder if the parents of the bullies whupped their kid's asses. bullying is as old as the hills and being a teenager sucks major dick. i know it was the worst time of my life. still have frequent nightmares about it. most people probably get it or give it. i wish i could hold this girl and tell her that high school is just a hill to get over. poor thing.

christ. i'm gonna get a sandwich and move on. bummed out.

beach

been spending almost every day at the beach. still on the job hunt, sure! but there's plenty of time to bike to the lake and poke around for little claws. watching other people's dogs is too much fun. i'm thisclose to getting one of my own. a lot of thought goes into it. much stewing.

something noticeably different from boston is the

amount of fucking garbage everywhere.

jesus. on the beach, streets. bus stops. there is a severe lack of garbage cans. the first week or so i was here i saw people littering every day. the beach isn't too bad. no syringes. yet. man, the streets are bad. that wouldn't pass in boston, man. maybe dorchester. or allston. ick.

i've been walking dogs and dicking around in my free time...which is all i have. not drinking as much. smoking more.

ah, i'm outta here.