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i'm cranky. i've been cranky for the past month or so. i dislike the cold weather, though it feels normal. i'm lonely but practically everyone i know drives me insane. they're not doing a damn thing wrong either. i'm just so easily annoyed. i'm disgusted by my body but too lazy to do anything about it. i have a crush on my roommate jess but if a female tries to hit on me i practically scream 'get the fuck away from me, you dyke!' i have no energy and coffee makes me jittery. i wanna fuck but feel disconnected the whole time and can't get wet.
it's obvious that i need to work on myself.
a man slapped me the other night. i haven't been that angry for a long time. i could have hurled a pickup truck through a brick wall. it is not okay to hit women. it's not okay to hit me. i've been abused in past relationships and hate feeling powerless like that. spent the rest of the night looking out the window and, as corny as it sounds, imagining myself as a bird flying away. doesn't make any sense. it's like suicide; you just want out...whatever that means. but i'm not suicidal. just frustrated.
tonight's the work holiday party. am i stoked?
no. am i going? sure. last year's party, as expected, i got wasted and had unprotected sex with the best looking of my co-workers (that part was unexpected). this year will be quite different. for one thing i'm not getting wasted. not even sure if i should have a beer as it may spiral out of control. i have to work tomorrow. being hung over will make it unbearable. normally i do not have a drinking problem but in social situations, especially work-related, family or the possibility of seeing an ex i can't stop and that just makes it worse. if i don't end up embarrassing myself at the event i'll just feel like a total wreck at home. so, no drinking tonight.
the temp. finally dropped. freezing. am i still biking? you're goddamn right.
the dong in the picture glows in the dark, and it's not mine.
west coast struttin, one bad mutha, got a rattlesnake suitcase under my arm
terry richardson rules. i don't give two craps about what anyone else thinks. i'd be proud to have him as an uncle or something. not as a dad. too creepy. i imagine myself as him in this photo,
one still-shoed foot propped up on the desk, probably listening to black flag or dk, the best choice for...whatever. some stupid dirty punk on the floor and me hi-fiving one of my girlfriends.
the fellow i've been seeing most recently is a rapper. this is a first for me. you assume he's black? assume whatever you want. there's a first time for everything.
last night i hung out with an old friend of mine. he crashed his bike earlier yesterday, breaking off half his front teeth, bruising his face and possibly breaking his arm? it shook me up pretty bad. he doesn't wear a helmet. half the time i don't either and i've wiped out before but when it's other people i get all freaked out. imagine a skull like an eggshell and i get the willies.
i'm house-sitting for a friend of mine and she has a computer. it's been a while since i've used a real sit-down computer. that didn't make any sense. what i mean is i don't have a computer of my own (moral reasons...like i don't want to become a fat nerdy slob) and changed my phone plan so i cannot use the web on it anymore. it's still there but will cost me an arm and a leg to browse. and that's just stupid. computer time is very limited now. i like it that way.
i'm sitting here and a geriatric cat on the table keeps reaching out and patting my face with her paw, then just dug her claw into my lip.
today i'm going to allston ("rock city" whooo...ew. bitch please. people who seriously use that term make me ill) to hang out with a friend of mine, to be blunt a dude that's probably totally in love with me (when someone has had you as their phone wallpaper it's a given), a fellow painter who i hang out with to make art. i don't mind allston in small doses, it's even mildly entertaining on the weekends with drunks everywhere (drunks under age 30) but i couldn't live there again. today, however, is a holiday so hopefully most of the college kids will be gone. allston is a straight ghost town on christmas. today, who knows. today is just like any other day for me. i, uh, don't do holidays. the only difference to relish on them is that a lot of the city is dead. the only folks around allston on winter holidays are the non-college people who live there...homeless people and orphans. it's great.
what's new. burned out at work, saving up (whatever that means) to move; moving means whittling down my stuff to three large bags and whatever i can layer and living like an ex-con for a while, heating up dollar burritos at seven eleven, brushing teeth in public bathrooms, disappearing. i can't wait for this. the up-and-gos have got me. they dig their hooks in deep and pull me along like some goth dork with daddy issues doing suspensions.
tonight i'll hang out with a friend of mine who i've known for a long time. we have a love/hate friendship that at intervals makes me want to smash his head with my fist and also get him to move around the country with me. maybe that's what being married is like. i've probably bitched about married people in here before.
ok gotta run.
Actor improvises to take down robbery suspectthis is one of my roommate's cousins. he's no stranger to our house. the funniest part of this news story is that they left out hilarious details such as-
after dan fought the man down to the ground he started to pistol-whip him with his own gun, which broke as it was a plastic pellet gun. the news isn't going to say that it was a plastic gun because they want to keep people afraid. also, the attempted robber is in intensive care. a little harsh beating.
i don't think i mentioned this last time but someone stole my roommate's car (a different one) and torched it in roxbury. it went up like a fireball and there's nothing left but a frame and charred insides. however, she was covered and is now getting a grease car and a transport bicycle. so it was actually a blessing? this is the married couple i live with (married at burning man) who are planning in the near future to move to western mass and live in their movable home on someone's farm. they rule
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