angry

there's no denying it. i'm a dirt-worshipping tree-hugger. i've seen the video of crazy hippies crying and praying in the forest to logged trees and it did make me chuckle. there's a kind of extremely lame and obnoxious hippie out there that everyone has probably come in contact with. i don't really fit in there.

my job is making me vegetarian again, slowly. i've never seen so much dead meat in my life. sometimes in the walk-in cooler there's giant ribs stacked to the ceiling. when you work in a pretty well-known rib place there's gonna be meat everywhere. i don't know the quality of life of the animals before they come to us. the boss buys pretty quality/expensive stuff but i'm not sure if that means anything. i've enjoyed eating meat for most of my life. i don't hate people who do. right now, for me, i can't do it without being disgusted. last month i had food poisoning, which probably has part to do with it. my stomach is still sensitive and most food turns me off. i get hungry but every little thing turns me off. ehhhh.

my sister is having a baby. my cousin is getting married. my other cousin is having another baby. i don't quite feel like a mutant, accepting that i'm in no place to be married or have a kid right now, but it does widen the gap of me vs. family. or, people i'm related to. i have trouble using the word family. there's no bad feelings, i just cannot get close to people. sometimes i feel a hum when i'm with my parents or sister, knowing we have the same blood. i just cannot get close to people. most people. even those i date. sometimes i end up looking at them like i don't even know who they are. but that's a story for another day.
tomorrow is my 27th birthday. so i've been alive for 27 years, entering my twenty eighth year of livin'. i get strange and down during this time of the summer, trying to ignore that as in this fairly new relationship.
he asks me what i want for my birthday.
i don't want a computer, camera, clothes, stuff. there was a point, even like four years ago, where i'd like something brand spanking new. a new tech thing. something to make me feel cool and more in tune with city-living. i watched mtv religiously as a teenager and felt totally inadequate all the time. it's taken a while but i just. don't. care. anymore.
if a guy would surprise me with a shopping spree i'd probably dump his ass pretty fast.
not trying to "hate" on people, women, people who care about cute shoes or whatever new apple product there is. but if they're drowning in shallow treats to ignore the deeper, more natural ache they feel, trying to fill a void with stuff...i can't be down with that. and i don't know how to fill that void. i have a huge hole blasted through the middle of myself. but clothes, expensive haircuts, and cameras only remind me of the natural resources abused to get them. labor, oil, dyes, chemicals. it makes me feel dirty. i'm trying to get by in the city knowing that everything i touch and use daily, someone/thing else has suffered as a result of.

i don't really want anything for my birthday, but i love the dude for wanting to please me. i wonder if he's been on edge since the coke fiasco. fiasco meaning i left a party when there was a chance it was around and when he came home hours later admitting he'd done it, sweating and slurring and breathing too shallow/fast, i snapped.
make no joke about it, i hate coke with a passion. i can't explain why. i think it's dirty, gross, and people who do it are lame hipsters or bloated scumbags. i've also had friends/dated people who do it. while it makes me uncomfortable, everyone is their own person. gotta just let them live. i take prescriptions to keep from having a nervous breakdown and blowing my head off and some people might think that makes me weak. some people hate prescription meds because of how they're tossed around like candy and can just make people worse. but i won't date someone who does coke all the time. nuh uh. on a rare occasion i get wasted, want to party and go balls-out. but doing that often, even every weekend just screams "i have issues". i can't respect people who do that. i'm not in a place right now where i get drunk many times a week. maybe the time will come again. but right now i just can't handle that kind of destruction, or in someone i date.
so the coke thing only happened once.

right now just trying to figure shit out. i'm 27, unskilled and morose. i like teeth. i'd go to dental school. i also have a need to help right now. i'd like to take this fall and go down to the gulf and help, doing whatever. i'm also interested in WOOFING.
though that doesn't pay...and i'm not sure it should.

ah, i feel better from just writing things down. thanks, blog.

mud

wrasslin'
no?
ok.

new

http://laurabm.carbonmade.com/

trying to start this. tough as i don't have a computer of my own.

wuv

box 5

i think this month is trying to kill me. at least it's an interesting ride. the first of the month was the cobra skulls show. it was a possibility that one of the bands needed a place to crash and as i live close to the beat kitchen, sure. turns out they didn't but as i was one of the last few people at the bar waiting for them, neil hennessey was around too. i've never talked to the guy so i figured why not? it was nice. nothing flirtatious about it. i was sober at that point. talked about some historical chicago stuff. when that bar closed we went over to blue light, which is open until 5 on sat. good god. i can never remember which one gets really clubby after two, underbar or blue light. err, it's blue light. it was practically impossible to have a conversation. we were at the bar, he had a stool and i didn't and as more people packed in i got elbowed to standing inbetween his knees, blushing and fumbling for words. he's obviously a fucking babe but i didn't want him to think i was just trying for a hook up. it's surprising to meet someone so normal, not pretentious at all. god knows i'd been here 2 months without a friend and enjoyed the chatting.

there comes a point when you've been hanging out and drinking and laughing and get the long smile and pause...and the next few hours could go one way or another. after jogging in the rain towards my house i panicked, commented that he lived the other way, and we split.

in a perfect world, ahh.

well, a few days after that i heard about this free JBTV show and i'd never heard dead to me so i figured why not? afterwards chicken chased me down the block asking for a light and why i was "leaving so soon". as the show was over what else would i be doing? we didn't hang out that night but he was texting me like crazy and i just ate it up. i like agressive dudes. the texts slowed down after a week or so but i was pretty sure there'd be an interesting encounter at the sub. dude seemed so into me before, so briefly.

so, i was totally wrong. not only did we not hang out but he seemed replused by me. he said hi once but then ran away, then if i saw him in the club he looked right through me. so obviously i didn't approach him again. and man, that's one of the worst feelings. that hot feeling on the back of your neck, embarrassed and stupid. i don't know what happened but he changed his mind about me fast, and that's ok...i just wish i knew before the show so i didn't feel so stupid and ashamed during. the sets were great but my night was totally ruined. afterwards i went down to the bar just in case, so i would know for sure. i also felt like fighting. just ended up getting hit on by a bouncer. then while i was biking home some drunk dude outside a bar started yelling how he hated bikers and throwing shit at me. i just cried the whole ride home.

i know dudes in bands can be flakey but this put me over the edge. too bad they're not all hennessey. that's all i have to say about that.

i got a job this month, have been hanging out with people, things are going ok. i guess you could say the long-distance relationship i was in hanging by it's last thread just snapped. right before i moved to chicago i started something up with a friend of mine. we never settled anything, just talked on the phone every night, knowing it would dissapate soon enough. and it did. aside from that relationship i hardly remember what i was like in boston. things done changed.

i'm just an angry person now. i know that. boston was so pretty and there were hippies and things in jp had a flow. here it's all litter and people are cruel. things are ugly. this is the right place for me right now, making me tough.

gustave

this is how my cat sleeps. flat on his back with a smile on his face sometimes, leg twitching. he has half a tail, four fingers of a stub that wags like a dog. at a certain time of the night he gets his "friskies" where he runs up and down the hallway attacking anything that moves, like my leg.
i still don't have a job and only slightly worried about it. been drinking stale beer in the middle of the day, not showering and eating a lot of corn dogs. i don't think brendan kelly eats corn dogs (often) but other than that he's probably doing the same things. wah wahhh. no, seriously, that guy is married with two dogs and two kids. i only have to support my hand-rolling american spirit smoke habit. i'm most likely going to end up working for a strip club, not as a dancer, entertainer or even a topless waitress. no, really, i tried out for this job. promoting the club. and maybe waitressing. that means i get to wear a lot of make-up, should start wearing a bra (nooo!), and deal with the horny underbelly of the city. uhm, yes? i cannot work in a cubicle. yes, i want to go to dental school eventually but somehow that feels different. will find out this week. should be interesting.
gotta get some fucking food.

today's a day where i get to run around town doing pointless things and just end up spending money on food and transportation, probably. time to go.