when i was a miserable teenager growing up in small town midwest i always felt like i was missing out on something. i think a lot of this had to do with getting mtv in 1997 and seeing how other young people lived and thinking it was better than the way i was living. what i didn't know was obviously mtv is a small, distorted view of some fortunate/stupid people's lives. maybe in the back of my head i knew this. i was living in a very small house in a very, very small town and completely miserable. you know, the kind of small town where there's like one bank and you have to drive through miles and miles of fields and farms to find a meager shopping mall.
when i got a car it hit an extreme as i'd drive to minneapolis desperate for excitement, looking for people who weren't white, german and christian... a fucking Gap, anything.
shit done changed. now i've lived in cities, slept on the street, schmoozed, raging parties, expensive drinks, all that shallow shit...i can hang out in nyc by myself and not be starry-eyed. but but but! the most important part is that i'm not still pathetically aiming for that trashy/glamorous/vapid mtv life. i have to live in the city to feel... not isolated. i have to take the subway to feel normal.
it's give and take. i know it's bullshit. it's a facade. when i get into one of those depressed states where i can't even leave my room there's this nagging feeling that i'm missing out, people are having more fun than i am, i'm a loser, i am less than. these are the golden years and i should have more friends, more men. that's insecure bullshit!
and this is why i cannnot handle holidays. new years, st. pats, july 4th, halloween, even the winter holidays are kind of projected like they should be amazingly fun. shit, if you're not having the best time of your life on new years you must be a loser, right? that's the social pressure. so many people have said this halloween is stressing them out, they don't have a killer costume or massive party to go to, the social pressure is heavy.
i fucking hate holidays.
i guess all this blah blah is about social pressure. and i don't know if people who grew up in the city or people who grew up in the sticks feel it more. we both feel like we have to live up to something fun and exciting.
the winter holidays are especially heavy for me as i'm usually alone in the city. most people i know are from the area and do family stuff. and hanging out with other people's families makes me massively uncomfortable. my brother passed away in the winter and it totally shattered what was my family and any chance for normalcy...ever. i also met an ex on new years that i'm still having a difficult time "getting over" so the whole winter kind of sucks dick. lots of shame and sadness. for months.
that's probably why i get more guy-crazy in the winter; just want someone to keep me company.
ugh, this whole thing is making me pessimistic and it's too early.
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